so as i sat down to write some more of my story tonight, i realized something that i hadn't given much thought to before. i realized that i am very attached to the characters i've created. every time i begin to write a story for one of my characters, i stop and actually wonder what it would be like if i were able to communicate with them the way my main character does.

i realized that my story isn't so much about my character, but more about the lives of her friends and the people she loves the most. i find myself wishing that i could be what she is. surrounded by people such as the ones she's befriended. i find that i'm writing about these people as if they're real. i thought it would be hard to give them a voice, to give them personality. but its more like i'm interviewing them and writing down exactly what i see, even though i don't know these people at all.

my beloved said that he thinks we take the traits we like best out of the people we're close to when we're writing. he said that when it comes down to knowing the characters you write about, you know them, but you'll never really know them when you look at the people around you.

i agree with him. though i'm certain a lot of the people i've given life to in my story can't be people that i've met. i know a lot of them just tend to be people i desperately wish i could know. i've designed some of them so well that its like they are everything that i'm not.

and the more i write, i find that my main character is more like me than i can even believe at times. i think some of the things she says and some of the things she feels are things that i would say, and are things that i secretly feel. i guess she is a representation of how i view myself. she may also be how i wish the world could view me. she is my secret part. the person i'm not supposed to be, but the one that i WANT to be.

i dunno...just random thoughts that crossed my mind while writing a certain character's part. i just find it amazing how much one can care about someone who doesn't even exist. even though he isn't there, its like i can reach out and touch him. i'm almost unsure that i should say he doesn't exist, because i know him so well.

does he exist, or does he not? i hope others will be touched by my story. and wish that my characters were as real as i believe them to be.